Imagine if no one could lie anymore

Imagine if no one could lie anymore.

It’s an idea that could change the world. At least it could make for a good novel. Or a screenplay. If any of my writer friends sell this idea, all I ask is story credit and an invitation to the premier. If asked, I would do a cameo as myself, but I digress.

What I would like to see in my lifetime, between the advances in artificial intelligence and big data analytics, and stuff that has not been invented yet, is someone who invents a real-life bullshit detector.
bs-detector

It could be written by some Nigerian whiz-kid programmer, who grows up in a village learning to code on one of those One Laptop Per Child PCs. Then while studying at Stanford (sorry MIT), gets a pile of investment from a rich uncle who really is a prince, and unleashes it on Facebook Premium in 2033.

The software would be able to differ between sincerity (white lies, compliments, actors, storybooks, 3 year olds who poop their pants, etc.) and bald-faced chicanery, true deceitful intent. It would link up with the sub-orbital optical plasma database encircling Earth, and instantly recognize human lying patterns of all kinds, in any context, in any language, spoken or printed.
earth-rings

There is an endless supply of data. Everyone does it. It’s been going on since the dawn of language. No one would be able to hide from it. People would be called out as the liars they are, all over the world, instantly and irrevocably. Point your smart corneal sensor at anyone on the street, and see their ranking.

Lawyers, leaders, criminals, politicians, CEOs, police, teachers, soldiers, spouses, junkies, anyone who aims to cheat. It would go beyond truthiness, just truth.

What a different place this would be.

Hackers Planning Their Own Internet Satellite Network

Undeniably Awesome

With a cool-factor that goes to 11, a group of German hackers have an ambitious plan to create an uncensored, powered-by-the-people satellite network for internet access. According to this article in Popular Science, testing is planned for sometime this year on a few ground stations. The big question is, will it look like a Star Destroyer or Death Star?

Satellite image

(image courtesy of http://www.solarthermalmagazine.com/)

Crocodile Kills 19

This article is brilliant for several reasons. First, it’s got a great headline. Deceptive and true all at the same time. Next, three bullet points under the picture summarize the whole story. I wish all news did this, it’s masterful. Lastly, the final bullet point, on an albeit┬átragic story, is hilarious: a link to All the latest travel news.

Crocodile on plane kills 19 passengers

From News.Com.au

Pun-Tastic

From our good friends at Reddit:

  • Two vultures board an airplane; each is carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at them and says, “I’m sorry gentlemen, only one carrion allowed per passenger.”
  • Two boll weevils grew up in the Deep South. One went to Hollywood and became a famous actor. The other stayed behind in the cotton fields and never amounted to much. The second one, naturally, became known as the lesser of two weevils.
  • Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once again that you: cant’ have our kayak and heat it, two.
  • A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to the bar and announces: “I’m looking for the man who shot my paw.”
  • Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? He wanted to transcend dental medication.
  • A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. “But why” they asked as they moved off? “Because he said, “I can’t stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.”
  • A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named “Ahmal.” The other goes to a family in Spain; they name his “Juan.” Years later Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, “They’re twins! If you’ve see Juan, you’ve seen Ahmal!”
  • These friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop in town to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to “persuade” them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he’d be back if they didn’t’ close up shop. Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that Hugh and only Hugh can prevent florist friars.
  • Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail; and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him a super callused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

That Glee/GaGa Thing

Evenings I am usually working, so I don’t watch much TV. But I caught Glee tonight and it was a lot of fun. It was the perfect episode for guys like me who were in high school in the late 70’s. They did KISS, man! Not just show tunes, but *real* rock. I flashed the rocker horns at the screen and shouted out loud.

I related to this episode, especially the jock character. In school I liked heavy metal, I played sports, and I was in drama. I went around with white face makeup performing as a mime, all 4 yrs (In retrospect, a Gene Simmons getup might have been better). I got harrassed by some of the jocks. I got called names. That part wasn’t much fun.

Today not much has changed. I still like heavy metal. I like Lady GaGa, too (with a daughter it’s unavoidable). I like to watch cage fighting. I took my mom to see Wicked. I have not showered in two days. And I can do more pushups now than any of my jock buddies from school. Rock on, dude!

The Husband Store

A brand new store opened in New York City that sells Husbands.

When women go to choose a husband, they have to follow the instructions at the entrance: You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are 6 floors and the value of the products increase as you go up. You may choose any item from that particular floor, or you can go up to the next floor, but you CANNOT go back down except to exit the building.

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband.

The 1st floor sign on the door reads:
Floor 1: These men have jobs.

The 2nd floor sign reads:
Floor 2: These men have Jobs and Love Kids.

The 3rd floor sign reads:
Floor 3: These men have Jobs, Love Kids and are extremely good looking.

“Wow,” she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

She goes to the 4th floor and the sign reads:
Floor 4: These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and help with Housework.

“Oh, mercy me!” she exclaims, “I can hardly stand it!”

Still, she goes to the 5th floor and sign reads:
Floor 5: These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, help with Housework and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the 6th floor and the sign reads:
Floor 6: You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor.
There are no men on this floor.
This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please.
Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.

NOTE
To avoid gender bias charges, the store owner opens a Wives Store just across the street.
The 1st first floor has wives that love sex.
The 2nd floor has wives that love sex and have money and like beer.
The 3rd, 4th, 5th and 6th floors have never been visited.

Eddie wanted to date the hot girl, but she had a boyfriend…

475861_22336987Eddie got so desperate that he approached her and said, “I will give you $1000 if you let me have my way with you.” Shocked, the girl looked at him and said, “No way!” He said, “I’ll be real quick; I’ll throw the money on the floor, you bend over to get it, and I’ll be finished by the time you’ve picked it up!”
She thought for a moment and told him that she had to ask her boyfriend. Her boyfriend says, “Ask the guy for $2000. Pick up the money really really fast, and he won’t even have time to get his zipper down.”
2 hours pass and the boyfriend is waiting. Finally he calls and asks, “What happened?!”
Heavily panting, she replied, “It’s all in quarters!”

–Thanks to our friends at Reddit

Good For the Ladies

We’re not talking about the bird and the bees… yet.

My 8 year old son asked me about facial hair. Bedtime hugs can be a scratchy business. So I was explaining how when he gets older he will have a beard like Daddy, and he will learn how to shave. I also told him he will get hair on his legs, maybe on his chest, and his arms.

He showed me his arm and told me he already had hair. I said that his arms had peachfuzz for now, but in time he would have real hair. He nodded, ┬ásmiled and said, “Good for the ladies.”